Friday, December 27, 2019

Metareviews: Cats (2019)

I love scouring Rotten Tomatoes and Metacritic for reviews on crappy movies. It's like comedy, but with the written word. Like a roast for whatever-it-is that's being reviewed. So far, Cats (2019) has only garnered awesome in the form of the scathing indictments these professional critics have been dishing out.

So, I present to you, the first (of probably many) metareview blog posts I put out here. My favorite excerpts from the reviews I am looking at. For the record, I'm getting my reviews from RT and MC.

Michael Phillips, Chicago Tribune, 2019-12-19:
"Is it the worst film of 2019, or simply the most recent misfire of 2019? Reader, I swear on a stack of pancakes: 'Cats' cannot be beat for sheer folly and misjudgment and audience-reaction-to-'Springtime for Hitler'-in-'The Producers' stupefaction."
Alissa Wilkinson, Vox, 2019-12-18:
"Is Cats ... like ... a secret metaphor for something? Why can’t I figure out what it is? ... It’s literally incredible. I hope I never see it again." 
Peter Travers, Rolling Stone, 2019-12-19: 
"Attention, moviegoers searching for the worst movie of the year: We have a late-breaking winner. Cats slips in right under the radar and easily scores as the bottom of the 2019 barrel — and arguably of the decade. Even Michael Bay’s trash trilogy of soul-destroying Transformers movies can’t hold a candle. What happened?"
Hannah Woodhead, Little White Lies, 2019-12-19:
"The cats have ears and whiskers and tails, but human faces, hands and feet. Some cats are furry, some are unnervingly shiny and smooth. Some cats wear actual fur coats on top of their own literal fur coats, others do not. There are no rules. Nothing about the design of these demonic CGI creations make sense.
"...  Corden and Wilson, a noxious double charisma vacuum, are only here for fat jokes, while Jennifer Hudson sobs so violently throughout her performance of ‘Memory’, it’s as though Hooper was just out of shot holding a gun to an actual kitten. 
"... I felt the light inside me slowly fading."
Robert Abele, The Wrap, 2019-12-19:
"But Tom Hooper’s jarring fever dream of a spectacle is like something that escaped from Dr. Moreau’s creature laboratory instead of a poet’s and a composer’s feline (uni)verse, an un-catty valley hybrid of physical and digital that unsettles and crashes way more often than it enchants.  
"... It’s peculiar to think Elba looks better with his clothes on, but that’s where 'Cats' has left us, folks — wishing for the simple pleasures of dressing-room greasepaint skills, fuzzy handmade costumes, and even those leg warmers while wanting to erase the sight of breast bumps and erect tails."

YouTube - JacksFilms:

YouTube - NERDIST Reviews:

YouTube - Black Nerd Comedy: 

I will guarantee you there will be a review from Lindsay Ellis, and when it comes out, I will update this. The wit in her takedowns and critiques are only matched by her absolutely fantastic background and history teach-and-research of both cinema and theatre. So I'm excited to see where it goes.

So, who wants to watch this drunkenly and laugh outrageously at it?